DAY 1 - Witnessing my fear.
Well let's just all jump in the deep end with this one! I am fearful that what I write today might upset people I care about. But then that's an excuse really as it's nothing new. I'm always fearful of upsetting people, that's why I have stayed in the shadows so long refusing to do this work.
Tonight I write holding back the tears, I am so f*cking sad. I don’t write this for pity or likes. I write this because this is where I am at and I promised myself and you that I would be authentic here.
I have been dropped back into the pit of loss that I know so well. This is a place of fear for me because 19 years ago I thought I would never get out. The details of today's feelings of loss don’t enhance this piece of writing and for the others going through this deep separation with me at this time I will keep it private. However, my emotions are totally relevant. I'm afraid to show them, to express them, or to let anyone soothe them.
Today as I was engulfed by this sadness I witnessed my fear. I saw how I tried to move it to the back of my mind, tell myself that there was nothing I could do, rationalized with mind having a fatalistic attitude, and tried to get lost in my work. Then it all came crashing in. Overwhelming me in grief and fear. That gutteral sound of wailing and the rivers of sorrow pouring out of me.
By some miracle I was reminded to witness this fear (resistance at this point is at an all time high). I forced myself to take a step back. Think Kate. How can you do this differently to last time? What did you learn? What have you learnt since the last time you were here?
Then I heard it. “Sit with your sadness”. I went to a golden sand beach. I watched the sun shine off the water and I put my back against a tree and I thought of my friend, my back against hers. I sent her love and peace and I wept. I don't care who saw me.
Right on que, my husband rang. How he does this every time I do not know. This time I didn't pretend to be ok. I told him of my pain, I allowed him in. I allowed him to see me and in turn he brought me back out of the well, the deep dark pit.
By witnessing my fear today, I looked upon it. I saw it for what it was and so I have been able to separate it from the sadness. I'm still sad but i'm not afraid of it. Today was a blessing. This Day 1 of ‘may cause miracles’ opened my eyes. Did my friend plan this? I wouldn’t put it past her making a deal with some angelic being.
After seeing my fear for what it really is (a negative self belief that belongs to a past version of me) I feel strangely at peace and calm. The kids even remarked on it. I'm still sitting with all of these new thoughts and learnings. Writing this has definitely helped.
In answer to Gabby’s Questions:
What experiences trigger my fear?
Seeing my children unmotivated, unhappy, fighting.
Feeling I have let people down.
What thoughts trigger my fear?
Thoughts about the boys' education - am I doing enough. Am I teaching the right things, and am I pushing them too hard. Do they hate me for being their teacher? Am I ruining my relationship with them by trying to be their teacher too?
Will this pain stop? Will the wailing stop? I can’t stop this.
Not feeling in control.
What are the feelings that come over me when I'm in fear?
Isolation - not wanting to burden others, and not wanting to destroy the illusion that I'm always upbeat. Drowning. Failure. Anxiety, my blood feels like it’s boiling in my veins. The panic.
How does my fear affect my behavior?
It makes me a horrible parent, mother and teacher. I nag, I push people away. I shut down.
There was a glowing highlight of today as well. All the fears I have had about doing this 40 day challenge (will anyone join in, will people share their experiences, I look terrible on camera) have come to nothing. So much engagement today, so many great women joining in. I appreciate all of you who unknowingly filled me up. Thank you for your support and for holding me accountable. I know a lot of you have found today unsettling. Bring on day 2, let's do this, lets grow.
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Thanks for showing your vulnerability and all the pieces that make you Kate. And thank you for inviting us to walk along this journey together. Xx
Thank you for being so honest and raw. In a way it gives me permission to let it ALL hang out. X
Beautifully raw and real, thanks for sharing kate and letting me join you on this journey🙏🏼💛
Thank you for sharing Kate.