DAY 10 - I am love

 

Today's evening exercise was to look into a mirror and say ‘I love you” to myself. Doesn’t sound that hard does it? I can tell you that the first time I did this a few years back now that I turned my head away in shame as tears rolled down my cheeks. I tried again and all I could see was hurt, pain, sadness and regret. I thought to myself “I don’t love you”.

For the longest time I have known that it's not ok to shine. 

  • It's not ok to know I'm pretty,
  • It's not ok to know I have great legs
  • It's not ok to be intelligent
  • Don't even think about being pretty and smart! 
  • It's not ok to be friendly to boys (you must be flirting - still at age 40! Come on!)
  • It's not ok to want to learn to pole dance because it looks super awesome
  • It's not ok to be able to enjoy lots of travel (pre COVID)
  • It's not ok to want to enjoy being around my kids everyday
  • It's not ok to have my own views on the medical system
  • It's not ok to follow my intuition
  • It's not ok to have a job I love
  • It's not ok to earn money for something I enjoy

For the longest time I have let other people's thoughts and attitudes dictate how I operate. I have been married 13 years. I find it utterly insane that it is only now that I feel like I am able to be me in every moment. Most patient hubby ever. Although I do wonder if who I am now is what he signed up for. Luckily he seems to be enjoying it, crystal balls and all!


This kind of thought pattern doesn’t happen overnight. We inherit it over and over again, and we relive it year after year in our own lives. We compare ourselves to those around us and we let their triumphs be our undoing. Why can’t we all lovingly support each other and rise together?


Getting back to the girl in the mirror. She needed love, she needed to find a way to light herself up. I radiantly shine when I say that I am happier and more fulfilled than I have ever been in my life. Guess what? I own that now. Haters step aside. If you can’t look upon my glowing goodness with love then you need to do work on yourself.

I am no better than you

I am not more worthy than you

I am not more deserving than you

I am you


But, I have started to do the work. 

Now I look at myself lovingly. I see those wrinkles creeping in and I think of all the wonderful years I have had with my husband. I see the stretch marks on my breasts and I think of the innocent child I was and how curious and excited she was about the world. I look at this random collection of marks on my stomach and remember how I was a vessel for the two precious children I helped create, that made me want to be more self aware. I look in that mirror everyday, into my green almond shaped eyes and say to myself “I love you Kate”


When I feel self attack coming in or the unloving eyes of others boring into me I remember that ‘I am love’. It takes practice. That's why I love this book ‘May cause miracles’ by Gabby Brenstein, when you do the work miracles (shifts in our perception) really do change. I am walking proof. 


I remember catching up with some old friends from London 4 years back. One of the men said “you're not the Kate I remember”. At the time this upset me. I was a new mum, I no longer partied, I wasn’t as ‘fit’ as I was. However I wasn’t as scattered, erratic, ditsy, unaware or disconnected either. I am now grateful for that interaction because it shows me that even back then I had made significant changes in myself to start to align with the person I am today.


I feel I need to do a “work with me” placement here! If you resonate with anything I have written above, contact me. I would love to work with you and support you to be your most glowing, radiant self.

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3 comments

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Polly

This resonates greatly 💖 thanks for sharing kate, I so love reading your reflections 🙏🏼

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