DAY 2 - become willing

Welcome to my self sabotaging ego

My fears list:

• It's selfish of me to go for a run and leave B to take the kids for the morning walk around the block.
  I am willing to see love instead of this
• I should be at home ‘teaching’ more, rather than focusing on the career I am creating
  I am willing to see love instead of this
• The other mums are more dedicated because they sit on the sidelines at sports while I sit in the car and work on my social.
  I am willing to see love instead of this
• I don’t have enough crystals for the workshop tonight.
  I am willing to see love instead of this
• What if I have to speak at the workshop, I should practise my intro.
  I am willing to see love instead of this
• That if I don’t stop G (10) from picking on his brother that M (9) will get upset.
  I am willing to see love instead of this
• That if I don’t do something to help M then M feels unseen and gets.
  I am willing to see love instead of this
• That if I talk honestly to M that he will throw that new information back at G and that will hurt G.
  I am willing to see love instead of this
• That G refuses to listen and stop this behaviour and that it's my fault the way that I have raised him.
  I am willing to see love instead of this
• If I ask the boys to help set up that they will cause a scene in the shop.
  I am willing to see love instead of this
• The house is a mess, again, B will be annoyed.
  I am willing to see love instead of this
• What am I going to wear to look semi professional, my clothes don’t fit and nothing is tidy anymore.
  I am willing to see love instead of this
• Hurry up and get everything ready so B (partner) doesn’t need to pick up your slack as you rush out the door.
  I am willing to see love instead of this
• Hurry up you don’t want to be late, that's not being a supportive friend.
  I am willing to see love instead of this
• That if I don’t write the blog tonight that I am letting all my new followers down.
  I am willing to see love instead of this
• That if I do write the blog tonight that I'm not spending enough time with B and he feels unseen.
  I am willing to see love instead of this

One miracle

My oldest son feels it is his responsibility to parent /police his younger brother. There is only 14 months between them. The boys are completely different with the only thing in common being their red hair. The younger (9) is resilient to a point, he is used to this behaviour from his older brother. I don’t want him to be “used to” it. I would like him to live in a safe space.. One where he can freely express himself. And here is the juggle. Often by aiding one child you are not supporting the other. That's certainly how it feels to them. If you spend time with one working through the situation the other feels unseen. It's this constant fear of not supporting them ‘right’ that is one of the main stresses of my day. 

I am always challenging myself, seeing it from all angles, How do I approach it today? How can I fill up everyone's bucket? Why is it all on me to make sure everyone's bucket is full? Guess what? ITS NOT. It is not my responsibility to keep everyone else happy. 

Their reactions are the work upon themselves. 

By constantly trying to make everyone happy I am robbing them of the experience of life, the reason I know we are all here. 

I am a soul having a human experience. 

Today's reflection brought about a little miracle in our house. The usual drama ensued with M retreating into a book. G being asked to be kinder. Mum felt guilty for not training her son to be kinder and not supporting the other one enough. 

I am willing to see this differently
I am willing to see love

I asked myself to start as though we had never been in this situation before. What is it they need? They both need not to be around each other right now, to have separate experiences. 

I decided to take one to set up for the workshop tonight and to leave the other at home and then swap (don’t worry, we have their amazing tutor living downstairs). 

What happened next was the opposite of the direction our day was going

G came to work in the shop and blew me away when he asked a staff member “what can I do to help?”. He then helped clear away the tables in preparation. Then… he overheard a conversation about washing the terrarium jars and piped up “I can wash them if you like”. 

After an hour he walked home and told his brother to come up. M arrived enthusiastic with a big smile and a “what needs doing mum?” and proceeded to help me until I was finished.

• Both boys got one on one time with me
• Both boys got time away from each other
• Both boys got to be around professionals who are inspired and love what they do
• Both boys got to be surrounded by the energy of the crystals and plants
• Both boys got to help me and feel included in the workshop and what I do.

That's a win win for me and a good lesson

Were there any shifts for you today? Any small moments to celebrate? I would love to hear all about it.