“I don’t know whether to laugh or cry” this was me at 9am this morning and honestly it hasn’t really changed all day. I feel the universe took today to remind me (harshly) how I have created my reality through fear.
Today Gabby asks us to ing write. A stream of consciousness writing that doesn’t get edited. I'm a tad fearful about doing this on the blog but here goes.
How have I been unkind to myself?
By pushing Kate past her limit. Not giving her enough sleep, exercise, time playing with kids or time daydreaming. The “go go go” has left me today feeling deflated, useless and tired. I let ego take hold for a moment today and have spent the rest of the day angry at myself and the situation I escalated. I should have got up earlier and been more prepared for my day. Lately there has been so much to prepare and it's taking a lot of time. I thought I would have all this week to slow down and catch up but that wasn’t to be the case. Today was a write off and I'm exhausted. I've rushed around, been distant, rude and totally unable to see how I can add love back into it. Each time I try, I seem to make the situation worse. Right now I feel like I deserve my unkindness.
How have I been playing small?
By thinking that certain issues in my life are too challenging for me to deal with, that no one understands or can help with them. Not stepping up to meet them head on. By trying to people please. My letting my ego run the show for a split second this morning and allowing that to totally turn my day. Using it as an excuse. By not being there for me today. Not taking the self care I need. Not asking/telling anyone what I need. Not asking for help, Not accepting help. By not fully owning my wrong-doing today and my part in it.
What is the negative story I have created about myself?
I can’t do it, that's too hard. That some things are just too difficult for me. I'm not smart enough. I don’t understand. I will never get it. I don’t know what they are talking about, I must be an idiot. They are more intelligent than me. That it's my fault the kids fight, are rude, surly and ungrateful.
How have I abused myself with my thoughts and actions?
Well all of the above isn’t very loving. It is all self sabotage. Not having had a day like this for a while makes me wonder what has sparked such tearing in me. There is no compassion or love for myself in what I have been through today. I have taken everything on as my fault. I am responsible for what I see but someone else looking in with compassion might see differently. I'm still trying to hide. And that means that parts are unacceptable to me and that I am judging and comparing. Ah this damn book is doing it to me again!
What I can see
What's eating me up is this guilt that I am feeling and a nervousness. I have put M into a performing arts class for the whole week and I hate the idea that he might not be liking it, even though I know it's really good for him to be outside his comfort zone. G is going off fishing and camping tomorrow with his tutor for 3 days. We have brought him some amazing gear to try to alleviate the separation I am feeling and the nervousness of him being looked after by someone else. I know G needs this. I know I need this but I am still feeling worried.
When did I become this mother who sees her child is incapable of looking after himself? Where did I stop seeing the growth in life not being so easy all the time. I feel that the universe has my back, why would it be any different for the kids. So much fear here!
I guess I should be grateful to the book for highlighting it for me (hear the resistance). Tomorrow I will get up early and work on centering myself, checking in on and deepening my roots. I will use my Reiki training to send them love and then take that connection and ground it rather than being energetically attached to them all day. I will do a cord cutting ceremony tonight in the shower and fill up my own bucket through ritual before I go to sleep.
When you think you have it, you have it not
When I look back over the day I notice something else. I forgot to eat all day till 6pm. I didn’t have anything to drink till 4:30 except a coffee. Would this simple act of self care have changed my whole day? So easily avoidable and very, very rare for me to do. Thank you for my lesson today. I am grateful for this awareness and reflection.